Sunday 24th
… I’m in the position of being in the mood for writing poetry or music while possessing the ability to do neither; all I can do is sit and curse and play Siegfried or Cosi Fan Tutte, both of which express part of what I feel, but neither of which satisfy. zwt zem zsy zmu
The feeling of utter hopelessness can only be relieved by expressing it in art, which I can’t do, or sharing it with an intimate friend, which I have not got. I am feeling now the need for one, of my own stage of development, with whom I could share emotions, because we both felt the same things. … I’m a lonely soul in moments of emotional intensity like this, and when I’m feeling lonely I’m sad or angry and anyhow unhappy. zem zsy zat zfr
A bell has rung requiring my attendance at divine service—Christ! If I do not take care or develop one of the above outlets I shall become cynical or introspective or both. Meanwhile I don black clothes and swear, or weep. … zrl zsd zem zsy
Wednesday 27th
… A good Soc. Soc.; Mr. Norman on Probationary Officers—sounded dull, but a very nice oldish fellow who told many anecdotes, illustrative and naughty enough to make me regret the HM’s absence—for it would have been amusing to study his reactions. I asked if he’d come across my late grandfather, as he’d been 15 years at Jo’burg—he had only heard of him but admired him. … zcb zfl zlu ztc
Thursday 28th
Fairly contented today. I am writing a lot nowadays—probably useless in itself, but it may lead to something. … zem zwt
November
Tuesday 2nd
… Moscow three-power talks, conclusions thereof, published. V. unanimous; include trial and punishment of guilty ones, zwg zpl
